Before I get into my existential angst, happy birthday to me.
On this relatively special day, I am a year older. Or not.
I read somewhere that your birthday isn’t actually the day you begin a new year. Rather, it is the completion of the previous year. With that logic, I start a new year the day after my birthday,
I apologize if this confused you, I felt the same way when I first learned about it.
Be that as it may, it is my birthday. Following social media trends, I feel some compulsion to be performative. I feel the need to have a birthday shoot, post a final birthday countdown, have the infamous birthday dinner, and wear a backless dress with a bouquet of flowers. You know, do something for my birthday. That’s the rule. But none of that is fulfilling to me.
I keep getting the question “What are you doing for your birthday?” And the answer is; fighting for my life. Fighting for my life is what I’m doing on this special day. Figuratively, that is.
There are many things I should be excited about. But for some reason, I am not. As the years have gone by, birthdays for me started slowly shifting from a celebratory feeling to a somewhat somber feeling.
Instead of planning how to celebrate, I am sitting in my room at 3 am having an existential crisis.
What is the meaning of life? Who am I? What direction is my life going and how exactly do I get there? I am doing enough. Is this it? Are these what the happiest days of my life are supposed to look like? Do I have a life purpose If so, what does it look like?
I feel out of control.
I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Getting a college education. Trying to have the happiest days, but for some reason none of it is satisfying. I want more. Do you know the feeling of waking up and being excited to chase your passion? It is lacking in me. I presently don’t have a passion. Or is passion itself a myth?
Maybe I am feeling this way because I am following the mainstream idea of what “living my best life should look like”. Whereas I should be living my best life as it applies to me.
Perhaps it’s all a part of the spiral.
My resolution
I am well aware that I can’t answer all the big questions today. But there are some things I can do to resolve this crisis.
- Lean into the crisis
The right perspective always makes a difference. An existential crisis isn’t all negative. I believe there can be some benefits. There’s a reason why these questions are coming up at this particular point in my life. And I am going to lean into it. Questioning my life’s purpose can lead me to the path I am supposed to be on.
2. Finding meaning
If all the ancient philosophers never came to a consensus on the meaning of life, that means I could just make my own. And that is what I’m going to be doing. Create my own meaning in my life and live accordingly. Figure it out as I go and adjust when necessary.
3. Enjoy the little things
I was blessed with the curse of questioning and wanting to know everything. This means infinite knowledge. But it also leaves little to no room for bliss. When my inside head gets overwhelming, I will seek smaller answers rather than trying to solve the complexity of life.
I will be sure to enjoy the little things that are important to me.
For example, visiting my favorite coffee shop where I enjoy a birthday latte. Read some good Nigerian fiction and let my imagination run wild while also letting the familiarity of the book bring me a sense of home.
4. Gratitude Gratitude Gratitude
A very good friend of mine asked me this question “What will your inner child think about the present you?”
Given the hand we were dealt, I think she would be happy with how we’re playing our cards. And for that, I can say I am doing something okay, or at least trying my best.
While I may not figure everything out today, I am at peace knowing that I get to be who I am unapologetically. And I am grateful for all my past experiences leading to who I am today.
If you’re reading this on your birthday because you’re feeling the same way, your feelings are valid. Not everyone feels extra cheerful on their birthdays and that’s okay. Juts remind yourself that things always work out. Life has a way of working itself out.
Happy birthday! And enjoy it however pleases you.
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