Expat Depression and Loneliness No One Tells You About Moving Abroad

Five years, five months, and ten days away from home and I can never seem to get used to this feeling. I might look like I am okay, but deep down, I miss my friends and family. So when you see me crushing that AMRAP at my CrossFit box, on the street walking my beautiful Great Dane dog, playing pick up at the park, or enjoying my morning cup of Folgers coffee, know that I am daydreaming about my loved ones back home. And looking forward to the day I actually get to hug them.

While the idea of living overseas seems exciting and exotic, it comes with some major drawbacks like loneliness and depression. The excitement typically wears off and reality kicks in. You realize you just left everyone you love behind; your community and all the comfort you know to go to a foreign land. Gradually, loneliness and depression start to kick in till it becomes a part of you if left unchecked. These are the dark truths about moving abroad that no one really talks about. Some call it expat depression because it is a specific kind that comes with the challenge of migrating to a different country.

What is expat depression?

Expat depression is just like it sounds, the depression that comes with being an expat (moving to a different country). This depression is characterized by a feeling of low-spiritedness as a result of loss of hope which is tied to challenges that come with living overseas. Some challenges that cause expat depression are losing one’s support system, cultural shock, and too much change happening simultaneously. Some people are able to recognize this feeling immediately and do something about it. And then there are people like me that go months without understanding what exactly is going on up there.

In my case, I had no idea I was dealing with depression for the first 6-8 months. How could I be depressed when I was finally living the dream? I was oblivious to everything. But one thing I knew for sure was that this feeling sucked. Each day was worse than the one before. I dreaded getting out of bed because that meant having to face people and my new reality, which took forever to register in my mind. I slept through most of the days and still had zero energy to interact with the world around me. It was awful.

The crazy part is, one of the people that knew me personally back then suggested I might be depressed. Let me tell you, I have never shut down a suggestion that quickly before in my life. I am fine! I am Nigerian and we do not get depressed. Something along that line was my response to her. Oh, how I cringe now at my ignorance and lack of mental health awareness. And with that ignorance, I suffered in silence for a long time.

Some reasons for having expat depression are:

Culture Shock

Culture shock is typically a feeling of bewilderment people get from experiencing new cultural norms and being cut off from their old culture. This unfamiliarity is enough to cause one to feel depressed. For me, the biggest shock came from racism. Tribalism, sexism, colorism, these isms I understood fully well. But racism was a whole new territory for me coming from the most populous black nation in the world. 

Losing Your Support System

Losing your support system is also very difficult to handle. These people are the pillars of your life. To be in a country without access to a strong support system can be detrimental to one’s mental health. It can be difficult to overcome some challenges when your loved ones are not there for you. It is also difficult to celebrate wins as well. Imagine looking at full bleachers on game days and seeing none of your loved ones there, or walking across the stage on your graduation and seeing no one there for you. Losing your support system can make even the good times depressing.

Simultaneous Changes

Moving to a different city or town comes with changes. Not to talk of moving to a different country. New jobs, new systems, new houses, new environments, new faces, etc. can become huge stressors for expats. And stressful life situations play a significant role in depression. While some people enjoy changes even in large doses, there are people who can only deal with them in smaller doses and still struggle even at that.

The Loneliness that comes with moving abroad

The loneliness ate me up as well and added to the depression. The thing is, I was surrounded by people daily, in school, at basketball practice, in church, and even in my new home with host families. But I still felt alone. This had nothing to do with the people around me. It was mainly because the people I wanted to share the intricacies of my new life with were on a different continent.

It was difficult making new friends. You are too foreign for the kids abroad and too far away from existing friends in your home country. This makes it particularly difficult to cultivate friendships and retain old ones.

It was hard talking to people. How can I have meaningful conversations with people who are more fascinated with me saying surname instead of last name or dustbin instead of trash cans? People who mock you for something so frivolous as spelling favor as “favour”. Blame colonizers, not me. While being fascinated by the foreign student is okay, fascination with an undertone of condescendence is another thing.

It is also, not easy talking to friends who think you automatically hit the jackpot for living overseas, therefore, making your life sunshine and roses. I understand that misconception as I once saw things that way. But it is far from it. Most of my days were doom and gloom. At least they felt that way in the beginning before it got better.

How to deal with Expat Loneliness and Depression

(or at least what worked for me)

Making connections

While it might not be easy, it is important to make new connections. No matter how independent you are, there is always room for people in your life, most especially people that can and are willing to help. Moving to a new country makes you realize that it truly does take a village. So go ahead, socialize, and make meaningful friendships. If they are offering, accept the help. Start to build your village because a strong connection is beneficial to your mental health and sustainability. I am forever grateful to the few people I’ve made meaningful full connections with along the way. They make my days better and my overall experience memorable.

Stay in touch

I am also extremely thankful for the internet and social media because they help me stay in touch with my family and friends back home. Without having an international number or an iPhone, apps like WhatsApp, Facebook messenger, Zoom, and now Instagram can enable expats to make both audio and video calls to people back home. Use these mediums and connect with your family because the joy that comes from them is unmatched.

Embracing your new reality

I struggled with this one the most. Part of the reason why I was depressed was that my present reality did not match my fantasies of living abroad. It was hard for me to let go of what I thought living abroad was supposed to be like. But I learned to embrace my new reality and to make the most of it. And I dare say, I turned my lemons into pink lemonade. 😊

Exercise

Exercise has been known to improve one’s mental health. It can improve their mood and alleviate depression. It also has the added benefit of improving one’s physical health as well.

Keep a gratitude journal

Life can be tough even without the added challenges of moving to a new country. I find it helpful to keep a gratitude journal. It helps me redirect my focus and energy towards the positives. No matter how small, it is always good to count your blessings. It might not erase your struggles, but it helps you focus on what you have and what truly matters.

Seek help

If the feelings and symptoms of depression still persist and become unbearable seek professional help. While there are stigmas surrounding mental health in a lot of countries, know that it is absolutely okay to seek help. These professionals are equipped with the knowledge and skills to help you get through it.