What Healing Actually looks Like: At least for me

I know I published Expat Depression and Toxic Coaches and dipped. Well, your girl has been in therapy fighting for her life. Childhood trauma got hands. Sis can fight!

For a very long time, I’ve been functioning. I’ve had a relatively good life. I’ve had the opportunity to travel abroad, attend good schools, play the sport I love, make amazing friends and family along the way. Despite all that, there was always an underlying emptiness and immense sadness. As a full-time athlete, there was no time to deal with any of that. Academic and sports consumed my whole life.

The universe conspired and sent me to a halt. No school, no ball. Just a lot of spare time to think and feel. The feelings became overwhelming.

I stumbled upon a free mental health service and began therapy. The goal was for me to get out of the funk I was in. But the funk was funkier than I thought. We started unpacking childhood trauma that I thought I shoved into a bottomless pit. But as Bessel Van Der Volk says, the body keeps the score. My functioning way was no longer working for me, and my mind and body were telling.

My childhood and adult trauma merged and started to attack me internally. Living in the United States for the past five/six years has brought about its own trauma as well. Some of which I mentioned in my Expat Depression and Toxic Coaches posts. For as long as I can remember I’ve been in survival mode. I’ve been getting by through coping mechanisms which have been mostly unhealthy. But with therapy, I’ve begun my healing journey.

Healing isn’t pretty like we see on TikTok and Instagram. It is messy but also rewarding.

Here are some things I experienced in my Healing Journey

1. Having to dig deep

It’s like I’m an onion and each therapy session keeps peeling layers of me. Every layer embodies its own trauma and its repercussions. It comes with its own pain, confusion, anger, sadness, and depression. Digging deep is hard and scary but it is worth it. The only way through is through. It is hard reopening past wounds. I’m scared because it hurts like hell reliving traumatic events. There’s a reason my brain hides them. But going through each layer and feeling both the positive and negative emotions have its upside. I can finally take that part of my story, address it, learn from it, heal, and move on.

2. Feeling all the Feelings

Let me tell you, the feelings are never-ending. I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in my life before. Every time trauma is relived, a wound reopened I would burst into uncontrollable tears. Triggers respect no one. They occur anytime or place. I almost burst out crying at a basketball tournament a few days ago because I was triggered. I was on the verge of waterworks. During this process, I have felt resentment, anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy, betrayal. You name it, I felt it.

3. Triggers

Oh, the “T” word. Almost everything becomes a trigger. I was listening to To my Sisters Podcast and Courtney said she has been tired, and that tiredness has been following her since childhood. That statement right there made me cry all night. I wept for days because of how triggering that episode was. I was triggered about traumas I was mindless of. The following week in therapy I uncovered ways in which I was parentified and how it has made me chronically stressed from childhood. This is a topic for another post, but you get the gist about triggers. They are so unexpected and hurt like hell too.  

4. Identity Crisis

Back to the onion analogy. I’ve peeled so many layers that I became unable to identify what is left of me. I have no idea how to fit the pieces anymore. I question every part of my being; my actions, my relationships, and even my response to situations. How much of that was my personality or my response to trauma. Am I really introverted or do I retreat to myself because being alone with my feelings is familiar? Do I really hate play and party or have I been wearing the parent hat for far too long? Do I love overachieving or is that the only way I have come to be noticed by my caregivers? Some of these are true. Some are related. I guess the goal of therapy is to figure who I am with and without the traumas.

Things I have learned from my healing Journey

• Feelings are okay; both positive and negative. Let yourself feel them. They are there for a reason. As Ariel Gore mentioned in her book about Happiness “emotions can be a barometer of what needs to change and what is lacking”. Listen to your mind. Find out what the feelings are signaling. The tears are just as important as the laughter.

• Have empathy towards yourself. Self-empathy is an important part of healing. Show yourself love and kindness through this process. Forgive yourself for the ways you’ve acted in the past due to your traumas. Let go of the judgment towards your past self. Talk to yourself in a friendly and loving way because you deserve it.

• Share your story. This was the hardest thing for me to do. But sharing my story brought me comfort. It also strengthened the connection I had with people. As Dr Anna Lembke mentioned “when we share our struggles we ease our suffering”. Sharing your story has a healing effect. It makes me feel less alone in my time of suffering.

• Mindfulness is vital. Being present and aware of your feelings and surroundings enables you process and regulate emotions better. It also helps reduce rumination and anxiety. Find a mindfulness technique that works best for you and make a conscious effort to practice it often.

• Let yourself grieve. Grief isn’t just about the physical death of a person. Its okay to grieve the loss of that friendship, the breakup, loss of a job, the childhood you never had etc. Your grief is valid. Take however much time you need to grief in your own way.

• It will all be okay. You will heal and move on. As cliché as it sounds, the light is at the end of the tunnel. And it is bright, healthy, and beautiful.