When we think about moving abroad, we focus on the great parts. We glamorize the new life we’re about to experience. The excitement of experiencing a different and better life in some cases is all you can envision. There’s no time to consider the topic of death. Why would you? Death seems like something that happens to other people.
I often talk about the struggles and challenges that come with moving abroad: depression, loneliness, loss of support systems, etc. But this one has to be the hardest of all. There is no challenge that can surpass losing a loved one back home when living in a foreign country. How does one even process that?
I remember my first ever death announcement phone call vividly. I was on my way to basketball practice when I got the call. The only way to describe what I felt is numbness and dissociation. I had no idea how to process an emotion that heavy. After the phone call, I kept on going to practice. The show must go on, right? Then it hit me in the middle of mikan drill. I really just lost one of the people dearests to my heart. I went to the bathroom, sobbed for a bit, and jumped right back to my workout. That was it for me. There was nothing I could do on my end.
So, I did the sanest thing possible. I suppressed it and kept on with my life. But the trauma had lasting impacts. Till today I still get anxious when I get calls from a +234 number. My mind immediately goes to the worst-case scenario.
For the most part, death is unexpected. But what makes this type of loss harder than anything else is the lack of closure. For many reasons you just can’t pack up, catch a flight, and go back home. You never really get to say goodbye which makes letting go hard. It hurts more to think that the last time you said goodbye to them years ago before moving abroad was really the last time.
Personally, I don’t think one can get over the death of their loved one. But over time, with healthy coping mechanisms, the grief lessens.
Some ways to cope with the loss are to:
Let yourself grieve:
Home or abroad, a loss is a loss. Distance doesn’t minimize the trauma. So let yourself grieve. Go through all the stages in your own way. Remember that grief isn’t linear. Anger, denial, depression, guilt, and bargaining are essential to reaching acceptance and gaining hope. So be kind to yourself through this process.
Let go of the guilt:
This was the hardest part for me. The guilt was overwhelming. I felt like I could have called them more. Did I tell them I loved them enough? The shoulda, coulda wouldas’ kept me stuck in a loop. But I had to acknowledge that guilt is a normal emotional response. There’s nothing I can do to change the past.
Talk about it:
Talk to people close to you about what you’re going through. Obviously, they can’t resolve the issue. But they can offer you comfort in the time of your grief. Having a support system that you can rely on is vital, especially during this process.
If possible attend the funeral virtually:
I have friends that attended their loved one’s funerals virtually. According to them, it made a difference. It doesn’t automatically heal you, but it helps. This can be a way to say goodbye to them and pay your respects
Speak to a therapist:
If you’re having a hard time coping with the loss speak to a licensed therapist. They can help you work through the grief and process all the heavy emotions. Counseling might just be what you need to get you to where you need to be mentally.
The loss of a loved one is such a difficult thing to process. Being in a different country whilst it happens makes it even harder. If you have ever gone through this or are currently going through it, I am sending you love and strength. While it might not seem like it, always remember that this too shall pass.
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