It is the last day of the year. The end of a year that seemed like a decade. The year 2021 really did a number on us. But through the chaos, we kept going. Moving happy, moving sad, moving exhausted, moving intentionally, moving heartbroken, but moving regardless.
The end of the year means the beginning of another. The clock doesn’t stop. We have to keep moving especially in the right direction. Before we begin with our new year’s resolutions and whatnot, let us reflect.
We all want new things. But first, let’s discuss old mindsets we need to leave in the past in order to move on and have a better quality of life. This means unlearning some unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms. I want better for my people, not just physically but mentally as well.
While we focus on things we want to adopt in the new year, let us not forget the things to do away with. Some of our core beliefs are limiting and self-sabotaging. We simply do not know better so we stick to what we know. But sometimes, what we know might be doing more harm than good. It is okay to unlearn things even if it means altering some of our foundational beliefs.
Here are four mindsets to leave in 2021:
- Crying is a sign of weakness
I used to think that crying was a form of weakness. I know a lot of people who think this way too. Crying has such bad PR. It comes with a negative connotation. Growing up in a Nigerian home I learned that crying is for the weak. Cry at your own risk and get something to cry about. Hide your tears, do not let the neighbors see. We suck it up, show strength and we move.
Strong women don’t cry. You are a man, you shouldn’t cry. Crying is for the weak. Crying is only for emotional women. I’ve heard it all. Crying for me came with so much shame. I suppress so much in an attempt to hide my tears like I was taught.
After months of therapy and healing, I have become a proud crier. Once I feel the tears forming I let it out. I let it all out. Have you ever seen Viola Davis weep? yeah, that’s the type I am talking about.
Start small. If you feel ashamed to cry, do it behind closed doors. Pro tip: cry in the shower. The water washes away your tears. You can even play loud music and sob, no one would know. How would they know? When you come out of the shower, no one is asking you why your eyes are red.
Although crying might not be a problem solver, it can be a good relief. I also get the best sleep after a good cry session. With that being said, embrace the waterworks and let it roll.
2. Comparing yourself to other
We’ve all heard the saying, “comparison is the thief of joy”. If you haven’t, you’re welcome. To compare yourself with another person is to be at such a disservice to yourself. Doing this disregards your own journey. We all have different paths and destinies. Different dreams and different means of achieving them. Comparing your prologue to someone else’s epilogue robs you of the joy of the rest of your chapters. You focus on their end and ignore your beginnings. Don’t do it. Leave this habit behind.
I am very much guilty of this habit. Comparison had me in a chokehold when I first moved to the U.S. It worsened my expat depression. But I am actively choosing to unlearn and replace it with something more beneficial.
If at all you choose to compare, do it in a positive way. If you see someone doing “better than you”, look at them with admiration. If they are at a height you’re trying to get to, use their success as a way to encourage and motivate yourself. In the sense that, if they can do it, I can too. Never in a way that puts yourself down.
3. Placing a time limit on your dreams
Stop placing a time limit on your dream. Dream the dream and do the work, it will actualize when the time is right. One thing I have noticed about dreams is that when it actualizes, time does not matter. The years you took to get there seem like nothing when you are basking in your new reality. The journey is all a part of it.
Are you scared of going back to school because you will be at a certain age at the time of your graduation? You will either be a graduate in 3-4 years or at the same place you were. Time passes regardless.
I love a good SMART goal, but some dreams are bigger than that. They are timeless. I think of the late Cicely Tyson the “dreamer of audacious dreams”. Time never stopped her and look where it got her, a life fully lived. We all got the privilege of witnessing her live her dreams. It is never too late to achieve your dreams.
4. You are the only one going through it
Universality baby! This is probably the most comforting word for me in 2021. If you haven’t read my post about toxic coaching where I talked about universality, I got you. It basically means we are all going through it. Someone out there has a similar experience. Life challenges are a universal experience. Whatever you are going through is not new: anxiety, depression, heartbreak, unemployment, rejection, loss, etc.
I find solace in knowing this. When we feel like we are the only ones going through it, we tend to carry the burden alone. We tend not to share because we feel like others won’t get it. I started sharing my problems more with my friends this year. I realized that we in fact are all going through it, especially with struggling in our twenties. That is a topic for another day.
Do not feel the need to carry it all because you think you’re alone in suffering. Share with your circle and be there for one another. With that being said, seek permission first. Do not turn your friends into emotional dumpsters. They too have their challenges. Be considerate. But know that you are not the first to go through it, and you are not the last. It goes on and on. And you will get through it.
It is going to take more than a single blog post or a new year to change these mindsets. But practice is within your control. Choose yourself every day. This means making a conscious effort regularly to unlearn or replace sabotaging and limiting beliefs. Work towards changing your paradigm. Read the books, listen to podcasts, subscribe to that journal. Do the work. Show up for yourself. Always remember that you are enough and are worthy simply by the virtue of being. Happy new year!
This is a beautiful piece.